I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
