There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
