Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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