Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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