Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
