I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
