I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
