wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
