there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
