walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
