At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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