we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
