Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i drank out of a bidet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
