My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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