Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
