new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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