i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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