That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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