I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
