She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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