I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
