I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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