you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
