Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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