I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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