Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
