OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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