how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
