Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
