The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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