dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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