So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
