Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
