So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
