Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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