No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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