why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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