So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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