I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize