Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
