The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
