I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
