Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
