i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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