I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Found the puke drawer
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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