Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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