Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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