I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
