How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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