After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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