Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
