Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
