My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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