Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
