Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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