Plan B is the new Plan A
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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