I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
