he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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