Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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