I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
