Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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