between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
