I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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